I used to be somebody else.
Right now I don't even know my name, where I am, who or why.
What are you perspectives you ask me, where are they?
Do I have any, I ask?
I feel all alone. An empty shell.
Not part of anyone's life and I am not even sure whether I want to be or I am ready for.
There was a time when I had something to wait for.
It used to be a call, a text message, a "hi" or a "see you soon". Could be a smile too.
Right now there is nothing to wait for from anyone but me.
But what is that I should expect from myself. I don't know.
Where is that guy? Am I lost, did I lose myself somewhere?
I miss being the most important person in someone's life...
It feels like ages since I fell in love.
About 2 and a half years ago I wrote these words and now cleaning up drawers I found a bunch of coloured waiters order pads numbered as pages of what should be a long text.
At first I thought It would be words of a song or something... Sounded to mellow.
That was when I realised that used to be me... Mellow.
I don't really remember what was the situation or circumstances but I can guess.
Have a look, I want to share it.
"...Oh, I just want to love somebody.
I want somebody to love me.
I want a lover,
Someone who doesn't care about my spots or whether I am fit or not
Someone who is not freaking out about being fat or skinny
Someone who wants to whole with me for a life time
Someone who wouldn't care or make fun of my surname or
Whether I can tell difference between blue and green, they are just colours
Someone who would share every little piece of decision insignificant or not
Someone who wouldn't ever leave me alone, even if I ask to
And if I did then he would know that is the moment I need him the most.
And yes he is a he
Somebody whose smile would mean the world to me not coz it's beautiful
But because to see him happy is what is important
And he would feel the same
He would like me and later love me
Just the way I am
And would be my best friend too
He would bring me a sunflower, not very often or it would lose the meaning
But he would bring one every season just to see my smile towards the gesture
We would disagree and at times he would even turn to me and say:
'That's crazy, insane you know!?'
But still love me for that too
We would make plans and if they happen to go wrong he would just hold my hand
And without a word things would work out
I would trust him totally and trust me too
He would hurt me at some point coz no one is perfect
But still would hold my hand and before I cry, not after I've started,
He would hug me and there would be peace I would find peace in his arms and so him on mine
In the middle of the foggy forest I can see a house,
The skies are grey and looks rainy
But I feel sheltered
Can't see a doorbell, something tells me the doorbell is inside
I knock but can hear no sound
The door is not wooden or of any material I know
Should I wait? Do I want to get in?
But feels like my house, confusing!
It's empty... Nobody here with me
Feels cold, but cosy somehow
No books to read, or music to listen to
I will keep an eye on the door,
Maybe if I stare here and I will sense if someone comes along
So I can open the door and then I will be alone no more"
After reading it all I missed the guy who wrote for a few minutes
Made my heart warm and I felt like meeting that guy
The thing is he is no longer here and I don't know where he has gone
Maybe he is still inside the house waiting
So he can open the door...
I am still the same but as days go and weeks pass by
I live, and life brings me new experiences and I learn
I make choices and deal differently with the situations
I change... I may not be the same when he comes along
I just hope when he comes along I want him around